My husband never defends me from other people, he never defends me

In a good marriage, we would do anything for our spouse. A marriage is a relationship in which, ideally, you would go to war for your spouse if necessary. People who are happily married generally have the perspective that they and their spouse are a pack of two and that they will defend that pack if someone threatens it.

However, it can be difficult to maintain this position throughout the course of your marriage. And when you see it start to fade, you can feel resentment and confusion. A wife might say, “I never let anyone talk bad about my husband. If someone insults or criticizes him in my presence, I always stand up for him. The other day, my mom commented that he hadn’t been much help when he came to a party.” my son’s birthday. I immediately informed him that my husband had worked almost two days in a row and that he offered to help, but I told him to rest. However, when the roles were reversed, he did not do the same for me. I listened to his mother criticizing me at that same birthday party. She made a sarcastic comment that I bought the cake instead of making it. This made me mad. And my husband looked at me as he said it and I knew I was angry. But do you think he stood up for me? No. He just changed the subject. My anger would probably be petty if this was the first time this has happened, but it’s not. He never really stands up for me. At least not anymore. He won’t join in the criticism, but he also doesn’t correct or shut up others. the person who criticizes makes me very angry and it hurts me. I feel it is his duty to have his spouse’s back. Even when I disagree with my husband, I always support him. Always. It makes me wonder if he loves me as much as I love him. I wonder if he is weak and cowardly. I don’t respect this about him. And I want to change it. How I can?”

I’m not sure you can (or should want to) change your husband’s core personality. But I think there are things you can do to encourage him to show more of the behaviors you’re looking for. But first, I’d like to discuss why you might be seeing differences in attitude about this between you and your husband.

Differences in temperaments: The fact that two people are married does not mean that they see life and circumstances in the same way. Some people are just not confrontational. I know because I am one of these people. Now, I would always stand up for someone who is defenseless and would not sit idly by if the person criticizing was malicious or cruel. However, in some cases, I feel it’s better to just let things flow. For example, my mother is quite a negative person, about everything and everyone. She will criticize the most wonderful things, just to stay in her negative comfort zone. I love her, but it’s in her nature to point out the negative instead of the positive. At this point in her life and mine, I no longer point this out all the time. I have learned to disconnect from this. And I made the decision to let go of most of it. Who knows how long I still have with my mother on this Earth? I don’t want to spend all that time arguing with her about petty things. If she lived with my husband and I, and her attitude was affecting my marriage, then of course she would have to say something. But since I only see her once in a while and her feedback doesn’t affect my results at all, it’s easier (and in my opinion, more productive for everyone) to just let it slide.

I make this point because I want you to consider that your husband’s non-confrontational temperament does not mean he doesn’t love you. It could mean that, like me, he has chosen to ignore slights. He may feel that his mother is old fashioned and although her comment about the cake was ignorant and malicious, he is choosing to let an old lady have her opinions and not make a big deal out of it on a day that should be a happy one for his son. . I somewhat understand his thought process.

Know when it is appropriate and necessary to speak: At the same time, sometimes someone really disrespects their spouse and gets into the habit of treating them badly. I think that in this case, it is appropriate to speak. And the person who should speak should be the person closest to the offender.

For example, early in our marriage, one of my husband’s uncles stayed with us for a short time. This guy was a bit of a chauvinist. He was sick with the flu. But that didn’t stop the guy from expecting me to attend to him. My husband ignored the request and got up to get uncle something to eat. The uncle replied that this was my job. And my husband -not in a bad way- replied that in our house we both had that job, that I was sick, and that as long as we were in our house, we were going to do things our way. The guy shut down right away and he has never treated me like that again.

The point is, there’s a fine line between things you can let go of and things that are petty and likely to continue if you don’t say anything. If you feel like you’re in a situation that you just can’t and shouldn’t let go, you can try something like, “honey, I feel like this is very disrespectful to me and hurtful. I think one of us needs to address this. Since you’re the closest to this person, I suggest that you address him. But if you prefer it to be me, then I will.”

Usually this is enough to inspire your spouse to address the things that simply cannot be ignored. But keep in mind that you have to be careful in these situations. Sometimes saying something can start a war between family and friends and make things worse. So it’s important to choose your battles. But if the problem means a lot to you, there’s nothing wrong with telling your spouse.