The no spanking zone, part 1

Punishment and discipline are not the same

As I mentioned in previous newsletters, parents have been taught that children should be punished for bad behavior in order to teach them right from wrong. Over the years, many fear-based tactics have been used, such as spanking, making a child stand in a corner for long periods of time, or going to bed without dinner, and harsher methods in the name of of “for his own good”.

It is true that in the short term these punishments can stop the behavior in question; however, in the long run, children are often taught to be manipulative, to lie, to mistrust adult authority, and to look to the peer group for vital answers.

If you look up the word punishment, you will find that it means to inflict suffering, pain, or loss as retribution for an offense or misconduct. That doesn’t sound like a healthy context for parenting. If spanking worked, why do we have to keep doing it or up the ante and push, pull, hit, yell, name-call, shame, and hit our kids?

Change our parenting paradigm or way of thinking

This is one of the biggest challenges when it comes to learning effective alternatives to spanking children. The goals for raising children have not changed. You want your child to become a competent, capable, responsible, and contributing member of society.

As we explore alternatives to spanking our children, we must start by changing the way we think about parenting, or our parenting paradigm.

Some necessary ideas that parents and anyone who works with children need to understand before they can move from ‘punishment’ to ‘discipline’:

1. Understand that how you were raised affects how you do (in positive or negative ways and in ways you may not notice).
2. Recognize what stresses you about your child’s behavior.
3. Learn about child development behaviors.
4. Discover the connection between fear, stress and trauma.
5. Understand the impact of fear, stress, and trauma on a child’s behavior and how that drives behavior from an unconscious place, not a place of choice.
6. Accept that the mistakes your child makes are opportunities to learn from you and not them trying to give you a bad day.
7. Recognize that parenting and childhood is a process. Actually life is a process. We cannot get stuck in judging ourselves and our children in terms of “today’s mistake is tomorrow’s failure.”
8. Appreciate the power of the relationship you have with your child. For better or worse, you set the stage and they follow your lead.
9. Remember that because of that power, you have the ability to harm or strengthen your relationship with your child.
10. Recognize that ‘good enough’ parenting is that you make mistakes 20% of the time and 80% of the time you are good enough. Massive increases can be repaired if you are willing to learn, practice, and choose a love-based parenting approach, rather than a fear-based parenting paradigm.

The no-win relationship

Over the years of working with parents and teachers, I’ve learned that unless you’re calm inside, it really doesn’t matter what parenting method you use. If you are not at peace with yourself, your message will not be received as you think.

Why is that? Because when an adult is stressed and deals with a child, the child is already stressed because the adult is angry with him (child’s perspective). Their interaction creates a brain/body reaction, which increases as each fuels the other’s stress levels. Hurtful things are said and done that cannot be taken back.

This is fear parenting (stress and anger), and it results in a break in the parent-child relationship. The father believes that he is right and the child is wrong. The child believes that he is right and the parent is wrong. Emotions and behaviors are rigid and inflexible.

Temporarily, the adults win over the child because they have the power in the relationship. However, in the long run no one wins.