The Lawrence Welk Code

They just don’t have quality programming on TV like when I was a kid. Take Lawrence Welk as an example. On the surface, this melodic treasure seemed to carry a simple message, namely:

“And now folks, keep a song in your heart and have a wonderful, wonderful week. (Loosely translated from a bad German accent, heard by an 8-year-old in Alabama and written on this page 40 years later for the sake of this article, please, I hope I did well).

What a nice message, and I tried to have a wonderful, wonderful week. I still do. However, it wasn’t until much later, like now, that I realized there were other secret messages woven deep into the Lawrence Welk show. (I like secret messages, cool).

Just the other day I had that feeling of exhaustion and then it hit me (like a ton of bricks)… “I HAVE POOR IRON BLOOD.” As any Lawrence Welk viewer worth their salt knows, the only cure for iron-poor blood is none other than; GERITOL.

Remember those old commercials that featured an older man with tons of energy bragging about his wife and all her accomplishments. “My wife…I think I’ll keep her.” Which, by the way, was also Mary Chapin Carpenter’s inspiration for her hit song “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her.” (target, I digress)

I remember thinking, man, the Geritol stuff must be pretty good, you get energy when you’re old and have a great marriage to begin with. That is a product I will use when I am old.

Sounds like a great advertisement, right? Well, not so well because I haven’t used Geritol yet, but I think so. (And, thanks to Lawrence Welk, this gives me something else to think about, great.)

Forget Geritol for a moment (but remember it 40 years from now when you need it) and let’s get back to the cool secret messages from the show.

Do you remember the champagne lady? What could this mean? I imagine poor Norma Zimmer must have a booger before every show, hence her name. But let’s just say for a moment that her nickname had nothing to do with drinking (yeah right). What else could it mean? Maybe she was really bubbly, or maybe if you put a raisin in her, she’d bounce up and down like she does in a glass of champagne (did you know? Try it this New Year’s Eve). I’ve heard Norma Zimmer sing, and as much as I like her, I wouldn’t consider her bubbly. So I thought that if you drank champagne you would have a very good singing voice. (That’s it, I cracked the code) It still hasn’t worked, I still can’t sing, but I drink a lot of champagne.

Now, think back to the really sparkly dance floor in front of the band members. There was a really cool “LW” scripted right in the middle. And, in case you missed it, “LW” was written on each band member’s music stand. But strangely, no one ever talked about it. We were just supposed to notice it and apparently not talk about it (that’s kind of like subliminal messages, right?). I guess to the untrained eye LW could stand for “Lawrence Welk”, but no, that’s too easy (and just diverts us from looking deeper and deeper into the real meaning).

What could it mean?

Lose weight? No, or some diet pill would have sponsored the show.

Does it look like a winner? Definitely not! I saw those costumes, NOT WONDERFUL.

Do you like wine? Yes! That should be it, and it all makes sense now. You know, Champagne Lady, she likes wine. That is all! (Way to solve the Lawrence Welk Code, Batman).

All this is just to show that you don’t have to look at life on the surface, looking for the hidden meanings, that’s where the real answers are (and maybe to enjoy the champagne a little more).

Now, I think I’ll take (ah) Sominex (ah) and Sleep (ah), Sleep (ah), Sleep (ah).

Goodnight!