Making Friends: How Parents Can Help Their Children With Friendship

Some children have no problem. They start school and instantly have a gang: a best friend, birthday party invitations, play dates, sleepovers. For other children, the social aspects of school can be difficult. Sometimes this is because the child has a diagnosis of Asperger’s Disorder, Autism, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and sometimes the child is just shy. As a therapist with years of experience working in schools, I have seen how difficult the school day can be if a child does not know how to make and keep friends. I know that there are simple steps that you, as a parent, can take to help make friendship easier for your child.

1. Talk about it

The first step is to talk to your child and make sure that there really is a problem. Some children are more introverted than others and need a lot of alone time. Not all kids want to be the class president or the most popular student. But every child needs to learn to get along with peers, work in a group, and have fulfilling social interactions. Try to talk about friendship with your child and set a realistic goal, such as a couple of friends, an occasional play date, or someone to have lunch with.

2. Get to know the other parents

Other parents are your best resource. A friendly father can help pave the way for his own child, introducing him to the gang, inviting him to play. Also, parents may not feel comfortable extending or accepting invitations to children when they don’t know the parents. Usually, parents of young children will be waiting together at the school as you leave. For even the most introverted parents, this can be a low-key, easy place to meet people and a great opportunity to allow for a little free play after school. Try to be a little early, smile and be social, and let your child have free time with classmates. For older children, see if you can volunteer at the school and meet the other parents there.

3. Try to join groups

Find a group your child can be a part of, whether it’s scouts, drama, an after-school class, or a sports team. This new environment can allow your child’s special abilities to shine in a way that they don’t in the classroom. It is also a new opportunity to meet other parents. One advantage is that the entire team is often invited to a pizza party or camping trip. Of course, if the family is invited, you should do your best to attend as well, even if your own introverted nature makes it difficult.

4. Work on social skills

This brings us to the next point, social skills. When your child is playing after school or at the pizza party, she has the perfect opportunity to see him interact. Is your child bossy, clingy, whiny, or difficult in some other way? Public places are not ideal for discussing the problems she sees. Wait until you get home, and then talk to your child, achieving the friendship goals you’ve already set. If you see significant issues with social skills, you may want to address this further in a social skills group.

5. Pay attention to appearance

Your child may not care about her appearance, and you may admire her independent spirit. Unfortunately, the other children may not be as open-minded. If friendships are affected, some degree of conformity may be a compromise you are willing to make. Take a look at the other kids at school. Does your child stand out from the rest of the class? You don’t have to bow down to fashion and buy the fanciest, most expensive clothes, but maybe a simple move away from too-short pants and the bright oversized sweatshirt will help your kid to be one of the gang. Pay attention to hygiene and personal habits as well. Behavior that is okay in kindergarten can be a social death sentence in middle school.

6. Be careful not to be too different

Your child may be bright, unique, and know everything about comets, and you can see how charming he is, but the truth is, the other kids may think he’s weird. Don’t think your child has to give up his special interests and talents. Aim instead to supplement these areas with something more universally accepted. Sit down as a family and watch popular TV shows or go see a blockbuster movie. School is similar to your office, where everyone talks about the Super Bowl or the presidential primaries. At school, your child will have an easier time if she has been to the school carnival or seen the latest episode of Hannah Montana.

7. Take the plunge: invite someone to your house

For more reserved parents, the thought of a kid’s playdates can be a bit daunting. But it’s an important step because it helps move the friendship out of the “school friends” realm. If your child hasn’t had play dates before, relax. No need to structure activities or entertain children. Discuss ahead of time what activities your child would like to do with a friend, and then try to remove yourself from the scene. As a backup, set up some simple projects in case things don’t work out, like an easy craft project or a movie to watch on TV. You may want to set up a private signal to use with your child if you need to correct your child’s behavior.

8. A special friend

Sometimes all it takes is a special friend. If your child can make just one friend, that eases their way through the school day. She will have a partner for the projects and someone to have lunch with. Stalkers will generally choose a single target instead of a couple. For many children, one friend is enough.

9. Encourage more than one friend

That being said, a friend can be a problem. Depending on the situation, your child may be asking too much of his lonely friend. Watch for signs that the best friend is feeling overwhelmed. This can take the form of your child complaining that the best friend invited someone else to sleep over or they didn’t have lunch together as usual. This shouldn’t mean the end of the friendship. It simply tells your child that he needs to move around a bit and socialize with some other kids.

10. If all else fails

If these simple steps don’t help, don’t despair! There are many other options. The teacher can step in and help his son. Many teachers will deliberately set up tables and work groups to help shy children socialize. Find a social skills group by talking to the principal or searching online. Therapists and other mental health professionals can work on the basics with you and your child.

Lastly, progress takes time. Your child doesn’t have to get there all at once and things may get easier as your child matures. The group dynamics of each class will be different. Middle school can provide more kids to choose from so your child can find a group that fits. Keep pushing yourself and trying new things.