What the loss of a loved one taught me

Death has always been a difficult subject and we all fear the day we lose a loved one. That day came to me six years ago when I got the call that my best friend had been killed in a car accident the night before. I was devastated, but through this experience, I was able to learn some very important life lessons. These lessons, while difficult, helped me become the person I am today.

1) The five stages of grief are very, very real.

Everyone talks about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. There is so much talk about him that it seems more myth than fact. However, I am here to tell you that they are all very, very real and very unpredictable.

I didn’t think the five stages of grief were real until I got that heartbreaking call. It wasn’t until then that I knew it wasn’t just something that happened; they last forever the further you go on the list.

When I first heard the news, I was in complete denial. For a few days, I had convinced myself that it was just a cruel joke. That he was going to come into my room and lie on my bed and tell me that it was just a great deception. Once I realized that no, this was not a bad joke, I switched between bargaining and anger for three weeks, then going through depression for months. Then more anger. Depression. For almost a whole year until I finally accepted that no matter how depressed or angry I was, he would not come back. I was going to have to figure out how to deal with this one way or another.

2) You get closer to family than you thought possible.

It was my best friend’s mom who called me. We cried together on the phone for hours, praying to God (or some higher power) that it wasn’t true. At the funeral, I cried with so many people. Some I knew, others I did not. I thought that after the funeral we would all walk away, live our own lives, and occasionally go through Facebook, but not really speak.

The opposite happened. His mom and I are closer than ever. The same goes for his siblings and even some of his friends. We are all friends on Facebook and most of us talk about what happens in our lives at least once a month. I became a more important part of the family than ever. Although we have moved on and are living independent lives, the bond we formed from this loss will never be broken.

3) You keep thinking about them, even years later.

Living without your loved one gets a little easier over time, but no matter how much time has passed, you will always think about him. Acceptance doesn’t mean I miss them less. Don’t worry though, it is completely normal to do this.

I talked about my best friend and what I had to go through, but my mom was in a similar situation. Her father died when she was seventeen, and when I was younger I used to catch her crying. When I asked him what was wrong, he always said the same thing: “I’m thinking about my dad.” She dreamed of him and woke up thinking he was still alive. The same thing happened with my dad when my grandparents died. The same with me and my best friend. Every now and then when we get together, we talk about everyone. Dad shares memories of when he was a teenager and my mom always tells me the story of driving a tractor with her dad when she was five years old. Now that I’m old enough, I tell you about the nights I used to sneak out of the house to go on adventures (mostly with Sonic).

Even when a loved one is gone, they never really leave. You still have the memories you made together. Although it may be difficult to remember at first, it will eventually bring you comfort.

4) Support networks are everywhere.

As I went through the five stages of grief, especially anger and depression, I felt like I had no one to talk to. I didn’t know how to talk to my parents at the time, my peers had their own coping mechanisms and my best friend … well … was gone. It wasn’t until months later that I discovered a series of websites and businesses specifically designed to deal with grief.

Of course, you can always go to the religious building of your choice. Some people find comfort in religion, but I was not one of those people. So, I looked up “How to deal with losses” on the internet, and a lot of things came up. From articles on how to handle grief to phone numbers and websites that specifically talk about coping with loss. There are so many different options to help, all you need to do is look it up. Personally, I chose to go with an exchange group for a while, as well as personal therapy and about a dozen forums. Letting go of my emotions not only made me feel better, listening to other people let me know that I was not alone.

Loss is a big part of growing up, whether it’s a parent, close relative, or friend. Eventually, we are going to lose someone sooner than expected. You are not alone and good coping habits are the best way to handle it. Seeking guidance or advice is also a very useful tool. No matter what you do, remember the memories and smile.