My whole personality changed after my adventure. How can I make sure this doesn’t ruin my marriage?

Sometimes I hear from people who really want to save their marriage after they have made the mistake of cheating or having an affair, but are not sure if this will be possible due to a change that has taken place within them.

Heard from a wife who said, “I know cheating is wrong. And if you had told me two years ago that I would have had an affair, I would have called you a liar. I reconnected with an old boyfriend at a high school reunion. When I was With the other man, I also reconnected with a lot of friends from high school. I started hanging out just to relax and have a good time, which is something I haven’t done in years. I am primarily a wife and a mother and I have to admit that I live to my family. I consider that my most important job is to make sure that my children grow up to be good and productive people. That is why I give everything I have to each one more and I have very little left for myself. I suppose that is why the adventure and I was so attracted to the other man. When I was with him, I felt free. I felt like a different person. And I really liked who I became when I was with him. Of course, my husband found out about the romance and told me that if not broke it immediately. without a doubt, he would fight with me for the custody of my children. I didn’t need him to threaten me, I would have broken it on my own. I never wanted to separate my family, mainly for the sake of my children. My husband and I are trying really hard to make it work. I don’t know if I would handle it as well as him if the roles had been reversed. He’s angry, but to his credit, he puts it aside to try to fix things. The problem is that the matter changed me in some way. I feel restless. I feel like now I have to go back to being the same boring person. I feel like I have to put other people’s lives ahead of my own and that I will never be that happy and lucky person that I truly loved. Can my marriage succeed if the affair has changed me? “

This is a very common concern. I often hear people say that adventure showed them what was missing in life. They will often say that the adventure made them feel more “alive” and that they do not want to give up this sense of excitement even though many want to save their marriage.

As a spouse on the other side of the matter, I have not experienced this first-hand, but I do understand. And I believe that you don’t have to give up new aspects of your personality just to save your marriage. In fact, if you try, your marriage could fail because you will feel like you are giving up something for your spouse and you shouldn’t feel that way. Instead, you should look at it as if you are earning something.

Your spouse may be receptive to changing your life so that you are both happier: Whether you realize it or not, your spouse probably wants you both to be happy. Your spouse will likely realize that if you are unhappy or restless, you are more likely to cheat again and no one wants this.

The real secret to all of this is getting your spouse involved in his new quest for excitement. Nothing says that you cannot involve your spouse in this new aspect of your life. Perhaps your spouse also feels a lack of enthusiasm in his own life. Any suggestions you may have are welcome.

How to apply for change without any hurt feelings: Many spouses tell me that they are afraid of hurting their spouse’s feelings or of appearing dissatisfied or critical if they express their concerns. I can tell you that I would rather have my husband be honest with me than continue to feel unhappy and risk repeating the infidelity.

I think there is a way to approach this without seeming critical. A suggested script might go something like: “I’m happy that it seems like we’re making progress in our marriage. I’m committed to making sure our marriage is as strong as possible and that we’re both happy and safe. Fancy spending time away from children? I think it is important that we have fun alone. I would like to go out with friends sometimes or just relax other times without our lives revolving around being parents. You know that I love our children more than anything and that being a father is my top priority. But I want our marriage and being a whole person to be a priority too. We need to recharge our batteries. And we need to have fun alone. I want to live with a sense of excitement and anticipation. How do you feel about this? And can you share What could make you happier with me? “

In this way, you are inviting your spouse to negotiate. You are offering to do whatever it takes to make them happy and you hope they will reciprocate. Note that nothing in this script sounded accusatory and I never focused on the fact that the wife had changed. I just emphasized the fact that she wanted fun in her life and she wanted the fun to be with her husband. In this way, it is a win-win situation for both parties.