Love is a decision: mature love is not a feeling

During our marriage preparation in 1985, my husband and I learned the concept of “Love is a decision.”

A decision is a deliberate choice, and for us, marriage was a serious lifelong commitment that was not to be taken lightly. Sure, we were best friends, we were compatible, and we were in love. Many people approach marriage this way, but when things go wrong, when they no longer feel like best friends, when they break up, and when they are no longer in love, the marriage deteriorates and divorce is an option.

Did you notice the word “FEEL” above? That means that if things change, if our emotions change, we can make decisions based on “irreconcilable differences.” This is like basing a relationship on quicksand and not on a firm foundation. I understand that significant things can happen in a marriage that warrant serious consideration for a breakup, especially when one spouse flagrantly breaks vows or promises that were made, with no intention of going back to the original promises.

Strong marriages include a worldview that goes beyond compatibility, best friends, and love, deeper than feelings. What you don’t see in these relationships is the interesting insight that the goal is not happiness; the goal is unity. The couple knows that they are a team, with most of the following philosophies:

(1) Each seeks to make the other happy, instead of focusing on making oneself happy.

(2) Happiness is not the goal of marriage. There may be times when we are unhappy with our marriage or our spouse. This does not mean that you are fading in love. Happiness is like the ebb and flow of a tide, always changing.

(3) The goal of marriage is deeper. Some believe they are united for mutual betterment. A friend of mine once said, “Marriage is for the betterment of our souls.” Together we are stronger and, alone, we can persevere in bad habits and selfishness. Marriage helps us achieve virtues and maturity. Through sacrifice and consideration for another person, we must come out of our cozy caves.

My husband and I were married in the Catholic Church, which contains three main vows: voluntarily accepting children of God, promising to stay together until death, and the concept of unity: that two become one flesh.

Because of these vows, we have agreed to work hard on our marriage when necessary, continually work on our communication skills, and live as a team, seeking unity and harmony. We have very different temperaments, but our values ​​are aligned.

As you can see, our decision overrides our feelings. There are times when we are upset with each other and we have to get through those tough times. Let’s not allow feelings to dictate our hours, days and weeks. emerge; we deal with them. We put them aside and continue. Difficult times in marriage are a great opportunity for forgiveness, gratitude, and humility.

Because we make a decision and a commitment for life, we want to be happy. Who would want to live until “death do them part” with an unpleasant, boring, selfish, negative person?

Author Gary Chapman said, “Forget about your feelings. You don’t have to feel anything to love your partner. Feelings can change because of your actions, but feelings shouldn’t dictate your actions. Choose to love your partner, no matter how.” you sit. .”

I would like to insert an example here. Let’s say his spouse, in a weak moment, had a one-night stand with someone. You find out about this betrayal and your feelings are off the charts: anger, fear, rage, sadness, violation, breach of trust, humiliation, shame, exposure, disbelief, disappointment, disappointment, despair.

If love is a decision, your problem-solving approach will be quite different than if love were a feeling. If both partners have decided to stay together until death, they will both be willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage and rebuild it. It’s not easy, but it can be done and many have reported a stronger marriage after recovery and healing. If one of the spouses is not willing to go deeper and decides to make the effort, then the marriage will suffer or dissolve.

I’m not sure if the statistics have changed, but last I heard, up to 70% of marriages will deal with some sort of “affair” at some point in their marriage. 25% of married couples have admitted to having a sexual affair with another person. Accurate reporting is difficult to obtain due to the accuracy of self-reporting (depending on who is telling the truth) and the agreement on the definition of an affair. Of those marriages that were shattered by betrayal, 30% will divorce, meaning there are many marriages trying to heal from affairs and indiscretions.

Is love a feeling or a decision for you? Betrayal is the toughest test of your love and could possibly be the most challenging time of your life, sometimes more so than the death of a loved one.

Let’s move on to a clearer example of decision vs. feelings. What about all the couples who think they marry the perfect partner and have so much in common? Years pass and differences arise. It’s just natural. Now there is a feeling of distance. This is simply life unfolding over time, with new situations and experiences coming your way. You will discover more differences over time.

Be careful not to mistakenly think that you are less in love and “feel” differently for your partner. This is a common pattern when people say, “We were very compatible in our early marriage, but we’ve grown apart. We have irreconcilable differences.”

True love is a decision and a commitment. Feelings come and go, like wind and rain. For a happy lifelong relationship, don’t let feelings dominate.