Life Raft: Get Your Life Back After Divorce, Job Loss, Depression, Anxiety, Death, or Trauma

My daughter committed suicide at the age of 17. Losing her to death has been the most painful, devastating and debilitating event of my life. To manage the overwhelming array of emotions that arose from my complaint, I developed LIFE RAFT, a set of tools designed not only to survive, but also to start a new life of joy and happiness.

LIFERAFT is an acronym for:

• L = Let others help you.
• I = Identify your emotional pattern
• F = Flow
• E = Emotions are chaotic
• R = Respect your needs
• A = NOW Awareness
• F = find joy
• T = Time Fragment

Let’s take a look at each one individually:

L = Let others help you: When you’re feeling down, letting others help is hard to do, yet it’s one of the most critical. From birth we are taught to be self-sufficient, tough, strong. Well-meaning friends often echo this sentiment by telling us to suck it up, move on, get over it. This advice is simply wrong! Who ever heard of telling a cancer patient to get over it and get on with life?

Those of us in emotional pain cannot move on or get over it. Our emotions live with us. We must deal with them, not bury them. Asking others for help, in whatever way we need it (eg, mowing the lawn, listening to our sadness), not only helps us feel better, it allows our friends to give us a precious gift. Do you remember how you felt the last time you helped a friend? Let your friends give you the gift of help. Do not be shy. Ask them. They want to help you.

I = Identify your emotional pattern: Identifying your emotional pattern means mapping your unique and individual emotional mood swings. We all go through cycles of emotions at different rates and with different intensities in response to life events. In grievance, for example, we can experience sadness, joy, anger, and laughter, all in a few minutes or over the course of an entire day. Knowing the frequency and intensity of our mood swings gives us the opportunity to know what to expect and when to expect it. This step in becoming aware of our emotional patterns can significantly relieve anxiety. Once we know what our emotions are most likely to do, they no longer imprison us. We become free. So identify your emotional pattern. It is what it is. Don’t try to change it. Just be aware of it. For more information, see “The Secret to Overcoming Depression.”

F = Flow: Emotions must flow through you. Don’t fight them. Accept them. Just like the grievance, you can’t go under them, over them, or around them. You must experience all aspects of pain, sadness, grievance, mania, etc. that comes your way. It’s as simple as that.

E = Emotions are chaotic: Emotions are chaotic and can change drastically from one moment to another. It’s okay. You need to let your emotions be chaotic. Accept the fact that they are chaotic. Know that they will not last forever. Any emotion you feel will eventually change. This is a fundamental truth.

R = Respect your needs: In the past, I often found myself doing what others wanted me to do, behaving as others wanted me to behave, and thinking as others wanted me to think. I said yes when I felt like saying no. Those days are gone! Don’t be afraid to say no if saying no is in your best interest. This is not selfish! This is purely and simply taking care of you. So my advice is to make the decisions that are best for you and if you choose to go against what you really want, think or feel, be aware of the reasons why you do it. Respect and protect your personal needs and you will experience more happiness.

A = Now Awareness: Live in the present moment as much as possible. There are incredible landscapes of colors, smells, touches to experience at any time. Don’t miss them. Pay attention (once I saw a bumblebee sleeping on my terrace in the middle of the day). Once the moment is gone, it is gone forever. Practice living in the present. This alone will transform your life.

F = FindJoy: Find activities that give you pleasure and joy. Experience them often. Whether you like to paint, write, walk, or talk, knowing what brings you joy and putting these activities into your daily life as often as possible will help you live a fuller, more fulfilled, and happier life.

T = Time Fragment: If the day seems overwhelming, break it down into smaller time periods. Just think about the next hour, minute, or second if the day or week seems overwhelming. Each of us has a cube of a specific size that contains our emotions. When the bucket is full of negative emotions, life seems overwhelming to the point of paralysis. We can’t help ourselves. If we start to focus on a smaller increment of time, the bucket becomes less full and we can deal with life more effectively. So cut it out!

Life rafts are meant to save lives. The life raft approach featured here saved mine. I hope you find it helpful in managing your own grievances, depression, bipolar illness, divorce, or any other anxiety-ridden or traumatic life event. I look forward to your comments and stories.