If my husband doesn’t finish his affair, should I let it run its course?

I sometimes hear from wives who have tried various approaches to get their husband to end their affair. And yet nothing has worked. Either the husband has refused to end the affair, he has begged for more time to make up his mind, or he has continued to see the other woman despite her assurances that he would not.

I often hear women say things like, “Sometimes I think I should just go ahead and let him have his affair. Maybe I should just let him run his course. Because I’ve tried everything to force him to end it.” and he never does, no matter what i do. Is it a good idea to let him have his affair and then have the last laugh when he’s done?”

This is a difficult question for me to answer. In my own situation, my husband was willing to end the relationship, so I’m not sure what I would have done (or what tactic I would have been forced to take) if he had refused to break it off. I can tell you that I know many wives who have been forced to let the affair take its course because there was no other option. And sometimes, this ultimately works to the wife’s advantage when the affair blows up in the husband’s face and he runs back.

However, I am quite clear on the fact that I could not continue to have a marital relationship with my husband as long as he continued to have an affair. Because that allows him to continue two relationships while you turn a blind eye to the situation. This is just my own opinion. Yours may differ. But I have to wonder what incentive he has to end the affair while you sit back and allow it to happen, even if the situation is certainly not your fault.

So I think if you’re going to take this approach, you have to make it very clear that you’re out of the romantic picture while he continues the affair. In other words, if he decides to pursue that, then he cannot continue to pursue his (or your) marriage at the same time. So you’re allowing the affair to run its course (because he hasn’t given you many options), but you’re setting very clear boundaries. And because of these limits, he may have an incentive to end the matter sooner rather than later.

So how would this work in a real life scenario? Well, if you’ve decided you’re just going to go ahead and let it continue as it is now, I still think you should be verbally clear on the boundaries, so you might consider a script like: “it’s pretty clear to me that you’re not willing I’m going to end the affair right now. And that’s your choice. But it’s my choice that I’m not going to participate in our marriage while you’re having an affair. Once the affair is completely over and you’ve cut off all contact with her, then we can talk about our marriage. But until then, I can’t commit to you like that. Once you have decided that you want to participate in our marriage with total fidelity. again, then we can discuss this further.”

Note that I did not beg or plead. I did not quit. I didn’t give him options. I didn’t make any promises to him about what was going to happen. I was very direct and clear. If she was going to go ahead and continue the affair, then she couldn’t have the marriage at the same time. In this way, the wife is giving him a little time for the affair to end more naturally, but she is also letting him know that until the affair is actually over, he is not going to have the benefit of marriage.

Like I said, this is just my opinion of having been through infidelity. It is my belief and experience that her husband must have some incentive to choose fidelity and rehabilitation. And if you’re letting him have the affair and the marriage at the same time, then he really doesn’t have that incentive.