I want my husband to quit his job after he cheated on a woman at work, but he refuses to do it

It’s no secret that a decent percentage of affairs happen at the workplace or at a person’s job. After all, most of us spend as much time at our desks or at our jobs as we do at home with our spouses. And, in today’s economy, under the pressure to perform well and get along with others, people can become very close and attached to their coworkers. It’s not uncommon to hear people describe their co-workers as “family,” even if they’re not related.

This can become a real problem when your husband has an affair (emotional or physical) with one of those co-workers and then has so much time and status invested in his job (where that same woman works) that he doesn’t want to leave or leave the job once the affair is discovered.

I recently heard from a wife who couldn’t understand why (and was furious that) her husband wouldn’t quit his job after having an affair with a coworker. She said, in part: “I knew something was up with my husband and his colleague when I saw them together at an office party. I confronted him when we got home, he confessed everything and apologized. Part of me wants to save my marriage and get over this. And he’s shown he’s willing to work with me to rebuild with the exception of one thing. He won’t quit his job. I told him I don’t care about money and I’d eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of our lives if it meant taking this one away woman from us. I have considered giving him an ultimatum or leaving him until he quits his job, but then I worry that these things are the same as giving up. What are my options because at this point I have no ideas?

Understanding a husband’s refusal to quit his job after an affair: Before I continue, I want to emphasize that I am in no way advocating or sympathizing with husbands who have affairs. I have dealt with an affair in my own marriage, so I would never defend this behavior. However, I also occasionally talk to men about this topic and I think it’s important that you understand at least partially their thought process.

Wives often believe that their husband will not quit his job after the affair because he wants to keep seeing the other woman in secret or cannot bear to be apart from her. I can’t say that this is never the case, because sometimes it is. But, there are many other valid reasons for him to be reluctant to leave his job.

A well-known factor that contributes to a man having an affair is low self-esteem. Often a man who is cheating or having an affair is struggling a lot with this problem. It is important to understand that a man’s self-esteem can be closely tied to his job or professional achievements. Therefore, asking him to leave the very job that is often so intimately tied to his own identity may seem like a lot to ask at the time.

Many men will be upset that you don’t trust them enough to let them keep their job, but this is only part of the story. Many are ashamed of their behavior and fear further embarrassment at having to alter their lives and career paths because of someone else’s whims and wishes. This can be seen as not very masculine behavior (although it really shouldn’t matter what other people think).

Finally, many men are being honest when they tell you that they are worried about the financial implications of quitting their job. In today’s economy, being unemployed (even if you choose this path yourself) is an extremely scary and risky place to be. It’s not always easy (or even possible) to find a comparable job at a comparable salary. Many men in this situation will tell you that they have already lost so much because of the affair that they don’t want to lose an important constant in their lives right now. They don’t want to add financial problems to the considerable problems they already have.

Finding some compromise until your husband can quit or adjust his job: Sometimes, when it’s clear that he’s not willing to quit his job just yet and it’s also clear that’s exactly what you need from him, it’s a good idea to find compromises so that both people feel like they’re at least getting some of their needs met and being heard, at least until a resolution is reached.

Because it’s important for you to know that your husband’s contact with the other woman stops altogether (or at least drastically reduces), your husband might request a transfer, request a new partner, or adjust his roles. He might encourage you to have lunch with him every day so you don’t have to worry about them being together outside of work hours. She may call you often to check that you know you’re still on her mind. And the two of you can work together to set a deadline for him to find another job while you both actively seek out resumes at other companies.

It’s important to feel like you’re working together to find a resolution, and that while you may not have the exact resolution you want at the time you want it, you’re at least willing to meet halfway so you both feel validated.

To begin healing from infidelity, both partners need to feel that their spouse is willing to work with them to give them what they want and need. The wife needed to know that her husband took her feelings and concerns seriously enough to make some adjustments and take some action, while the husband needed to know that her wife was unwilling to see him lose everything because he had an affair.