How to plan a wedding and make your money count

“All marriages are happy. It is the subsequent cohabitation that causes all the problems.”

-Raymond helmet

I could see it on their faces and hear it in their voices. The difference was beginning. Two couples, both clients of mine, had daughters getting married, but that’s where the similarities ended. Chris and Robin wanted a nice wedding for her daughter Melissa, but Chris hadn’t saved a penny since she started working after graduating. He always thought that “things would work out” and that someone (his parents, his employer, or the lottery jackpot) would provide the money he and his family needed. But now, the wedding plans were in full swing and he had no money to pay for it. Money, or rather the lack of it, consumed him and his relationships with his wife and daughter. Over and over, Robin and Melissa made plans, but when they were presented to Chris, he winced, shook his head, then exploded, “You know we can’t afford that! What are you thinking?”

Chris contacted me for advice on how to manage his money, but, in fact, he had no money to manage. The family had spent everything they earned every month since Chris and Robin got married, so there was simply no money to pay for the wedding. When the reality of his past choices hit him in the face, Chris felt ashamed and humiliated that he couldn’t meet the needs of his beloved daughter. Before long, his discouragement turned into depression and he felt completely hopeless, helpless, and useless. Still, wedding plans had to be made, and the tension between Chris and Robin robbed the family of the joy of Melissa’s wedding. Eventually, Chris borrowed enough money to have a very modest ceremony, but the damage had been done. Every moment and every decision was dominated by the painful lack of money, so relations were strained. They endured, rather than celebrated, Melissa’s wedding.

My other clients, Phil and Trish, had saved a lot of money for their daughter’s wedding. No, they hadn’t saved enough for swans, skywriters, and chateaubriand for 400, but they had enough for a beautiful wedding. Phil told me that a wonderful moment came early in the planning when his daughter Alicia asked, “Dad, what’s our budget for the wedding?” Phil responded with a question of his own: “How much were you thinking about?” She gave him a number and he replied, “You can add more to that. We have enough, and I want this to be a wonderful and beautiful day for you.” Imagine what that did for Alicia’s sense of peace as she planned the wedding, and for her relationship with her father!

I talked to Phil several times as the weeks before the wedding went by, and each time he said something like, “Every day, I thank God we have enough money for Alicia’s wedding. That takes so long.” download. We’re having a great time!”

Phil’s family had some decisions to make, and of course some of them were difficult. Should they spend more money on a photographer and less on flowers, or vice versa? But the difficulty of those decisions pales in comparison to the shame, anger and anxiety Chris, Robin and Melissa experienced.

When Alicia’s day came, it was a beautiful thing to see. Everyone was completely relaxed and focused on the joy of the moment, without any hint of anxiety about money. Phil told me, “Alicia’s wedding was beautiful, fun, and meaningful. In fact, it was glorious!” Phil and Trish had been intentional about managing their money and experienced incredible benefits with their plan.

The emotional nature of money

Money may seem inert, but it has the power to paralyze or heal, to depress or inspire. Dr. Laurence Barton, president and CEO of the American College, observed: “Money is tangible, but it is also emotional in nature. It is necessary for the exchange of goods and services, but it is also what divides spouses and families… and is often the source of permanent scarring among loved ones…Interestingly, many people spend more time analyzing sports scores or their horoscope in the newspaper than investing in monitoring their daily financial health.” *[From the Foreword of What Matters Most by Jim Munchbach (Baxter Press, Friendswood, Texas, 2004), p. 9.]

A recent study concluded that most decisions about money are emotional decisions, not rational ones.We are inundated by countless messages that simply You have to have this product or service to make us happy, successful and accepted, but we don’t hear many messages about the benefits of saving and investing. So we shop… hoping that this time our purchase will make us feel great, but with a lingering sense of guilt and anxiety that we’ll have to pay for it in another month. At a think tank sponsored by the National Endowment for Financial Education, one participant noted that most Americans now own things that only the wealthy would have enjoyed a few decades ago. But we are not paying for these things with cash, we are a credit society. He observed, “I think a lot of middle-income Americans are living their dreams. They drive cars they can’t afford and live in houses they can’t afford. They have all the trimmings. They’re focused on what makes them happy today.” *[“Motivating Americans to Develop Constructive Financial Behaviors,” by the National Endowment for Financial Education, 2004, p. 6.]

But other messages can touch our emotions, if only they can be heard. These are messages about the peace and satisfaction of knowing our finances are on track to meet our family’s needs, and the sheer excitement of using our resources to impact the lives of others. However, the first step is to establish or clarify a sense of direction, a purpose for our lives.

connecting the dots

In relation to our finances, the path to peace and fulfillment is to connect our resources with what matters most to us. Many people, however, have never clearly articulated what really matters to them. When they do, amazing things happen.

Shortly after completing my CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ training, I met a wealthy businessman. James grew up in a poor black neighborhood and his family could barely make ends meet day in and day out. As an adult, James was driven to make enough money that his own family would never experience the fear of empty cupboards, and he made a lot of money. James had over a million dollars in his retirement account and his half-million dollar house was fully paid for. Clearly, he had plenty of resources, but he lived with the constant anxiety of not being able to provide enough for his family. No amount of money seemed to be enough to calm his anxious heart for him, so he strove day after day to make more sales.

Before James and his wife Sheila came into my office, their goal had been to make as much money as possible to make sure their family didn’t need it. As we talked about his values, it became clear to him that his real purpose was not to make a lot of money. It was stability and security for his family, and he wanted to feel a sense of peace about his role as provider. We identified goals that would fulfill his purpose, including the amounts of money needed for his children’s education, his daughter’s wedding, and his retirement. We then outlined a plan for all of these needs to be met. With the pressure of earning more and more money, he realized that he could spend much more time with his wife, his children and his grandchildren. Before that time, James had been so motivated to make money, but now he had a clear vision of his life and the freedom to enjoy quality time with his family.

In just a few minutes, the expression on James’s face completely changed. Suddenly he broke into a big smile and then looked at his wife. They held hands and looked into each other’s eyes as if to say, “This is what we’ve been looking for.” His anxiety and the tension he had created between them had evaporated. They arrived at my office confused and stressed, but left with a deep sense of satisfaction and joy because they now looked forward to a future of rich and meaningful relationships. James was a new man with a doable plan and the warm affirmation of his wife for being such a wonderful provider. I’d like to take a lot of credit for the change in James’s life that day, but all I did was ask a few questions to clarify his goals and connect the dots between his resources and what mattered most to him.

Whether you’re planning a wedding, making your marriage work, or saving for retirement, when you start by clarifying what’s most important, you’ll achieve more success, fulfillment, and meaning in your life.