How to have a relationship enraptured in love

Have you found yourself trapped in a turbulent relationship? Does it seem like every relationship you have ends in tragedy and you are left feeling lonely and/or bitter? Do you feel like you are plagued by a black cloud of impending relationship doom? If so, you are not alone. With divorce rates rising like they’re trying to qualify for Olympic trials, it’s easy to get caught up in the belief that “that’s the way it is.” Or “I’ll be alone forever.” The reality is that you don’t have to feel this way and the “imminent doom of the relationship” really depends on you, the individual.

In life, every day we live we make hundreds and hundreds of choices. Every choice we make begins to guide and shape our perception of our world, our life, and our future. We have a decision imperative to decide what choice we are going to make and how we can use that choice to work for us and not against us. This imperative decision to make the right decision is not solely about whether to wear brown shoes with black pants or what career/job you will take. This imperative decision takes place in all areas of our lives, including relationships.

When you start a relationship, you have already made an important decision to start merging your lifestyle and needs with another. If you happened to enter this relationship with the perception of the outcome of your last relationship, it can be easy to make relationship decisions for the wrong reasons. Therefore, you find yourself in a different but similar relationship to the previous one. Instead of feeling joy and success, you feel frustrated and pessimistic. Then, of course, you’ll feel like, “here I go again.”

On the contrary, there are many people who have prosperous and happy relationships. They, too, can relate to a failed relationship and the pain of a breakup. The difference is that they have taken the time to analyze their past relationships. They have taken a self-inventory and reflected on what didn’t work, what they need, and how to make the relationship they deserve more effective.

There is no such thing as good luck and bad luck in a relationship. Relationships are all about choices. Instead of jumping into another relationship hoping to save yourself from the last one, realize that a successful relationship is built on RAPT©: Reflection, Acceptance, Preparation, and Time. Below are four important steps that I have created to help you have a RAPT© relationship.

1. Reflection: analyze your relationship and take the good and bad out of the relationship. Ask yourself what behaviors you exhibited in the relationship that you feel were effective and what behaviors you exhibited in the relationship that were ineffective. Next, ask yourself the same question regarding your partner. After comparing both lists of effective and ineffective behaviors, the next step is to accept.

2. Acceptance: acknowledging the experience as a valid and real part of your experience. Accept the emotions and feelings that accompany the relationship experience, and embrace them as you deserve the right to experience any and all emotions. If you pretend that you are not affected, then you are sending the internal message that you do not deserve to feel the way you do, and therefore stalling any real healing that occurs. After all, how can you heal from something you deny having experienced? On the other hand, when you accept your experience as real, you can begin to prepare yourself for something different.

3. Preparation: Taking what you have reflected on and accepted and turning it into a proactive plan for improvement. Once you can identify what were the effective and ineffective behaviors in the relationship and have accepted those behaviors and the emotions associated with the behavior as real, you can make authentic future decisions that can help you have happy and effective relationships. It can also help you see clearly in the early stages, whether the relationship is worth starting. Lastly, keep in mind that before you make the decision to get into the next relationship, you need time.

4. Time: Validate yourself and your need to heal before carefully entering the next relationship. Make sure you have truly assessed, healed, and prepared before embarking on the next relationship. It really takes time to heal and prepare to do something different. Allow yourself the opportunity to take care of yourself before you start trying to take care of someone else.

If you can afford to make your next relationship decision based on these four principles, you’ll find a new level of success and happiness. The great part of this method is that you will also have discovered yourself in the process. The best way to get a better relationship with a partner is to get a better relationship with you. Finally, you can get rid of that unwanted relational misfortune and start living and experiencing relationships that are RAPT© in love.