God’s redeeming hand

I don’t remember much about my parents living together when I was a kid, but I do remember the day my dad left. He left such an impression on me and my heart that I can still smell the rocky asphalt of the driveway to our apartment complex as he watched his car drive away from me. It’s the kind of scene you see in a movie and it breaks your heart. Dad leaving, mom grieving and daughter screaming. Yes, that was the day I realized that this world is unfair, disappointing and painful! Some may realize that much later in life, but for me, I was only five years old.

I met Jesus at the tender age of 6 years. My neighbors approached me and invited me to church. I remember learning about God’s love for me and how much he wanted to be my Father. I had an emptiness inside and I reached out and grabbed hold of my Eternal Father, who I knew would never leave me! That is the second childhood memory that left the biggest impression on me. I remember sitting criss-crossed on an old rug in my Sunday school class that smelled like warm rubber. I won’t forget how I felt that day!

I don’t come from a deep spiritual lineage. I come from your classic dysfunctional, alcoholic, divorced, mentally ill family line. I was the first on either side of my family to commit to following Christ. A year later, my mom started attending church and soon came to Christ. Shortly thereafter, she met my stepfather who was a Christian, and at the age of 7, I was tenderly placed in a loving Christian home. I grew up in an amazing Bible teaching church in the Bay Area called Peninsula Bible Church. I sat under the great teachings of Ray Stedman. My stepfather worked in the church and we lived a modest life in Cupertino, California with my two brothers. While I can honestly say that I grew up in the church, I also grew up in the world as my father lived a life contrary to the lifestyle of my mother and stepfather. I had the unique perspective of living in both worlds. My dad continued to be a strong and loving influence in my life, but our value systems were very different. I was raised with hymns and eagles, which says a lot about who I am today.

I received a lot in terms of my faith: amazing church and teaching of God’s Word, mentors, youth camps, 9 trips to Mexicali, endless trips to Mt. Hermon, Young Life camps and ministry opportunities at my church, etc. If you were to look at my spiritual resume, you might be impressed. I was known in my church and my identity back then was in my Christian experiences and what I was doing for God and not what God wanted to do through me. I was comfortable in my faith and for many years things remained status quo. That was until I married my husband and we parted ways with everything he had ever known.

Twelve years ago, Robb and I decided to move to Folsom, California. I think of Genesis 12:1 when the Lord told Abram, “Leave your country, your people, and your father’s house, and go to the land that I will show you.” In many ways, my movement was a lot like Abrams. My problem the first year was that I told God where he would take me. I want this kind of house, go to that church, serve in this particular ministry, have my husband earn a certain amount of money, have as many children, find these kinds of girlfriends, and look a certain way. For many of us, we tell God that we will go where He wants us to go, but we are still in the driver’s seat. And in his great patience with us, he watches us take those detours, back roads and dead ends until we are LOST.

After a year living in Folsom, I found myself LOST. We couldn’t find a church, no one was interested in my spiritual resume and what I had to offer their church, women had enough girlfriends and seemed uninterested in me, my husband worked more hours than he had been in the Bay Area , the money is not as good as it seems, and we had three children under the age of three, ouch! In August of 2000, I went to Portland for a Women of Faith conference. I don’t remember much about that conference except finally admitting that I was LOST and had no idea where she was and how she got there. I finally handed the flyer over to Jesus and said, “Where are we going now?” I’m done trying to navigate my life on my own. It’s unsatisfying, too comfortable, busy and I feel like I’m missing out. For the first time in a long time I felt excited about my life and about venturing into the unknown.

God wasted no time giving me my first destination. The next day, my husband came home and asked if she would be willing to move to Bucharest, Romania. Wow, who plans that with her life? With much anticipation and some fear, we once again leave the comfort of our home and our country to go to an unknown place. The experience of living in a third world country was one of the richest moments of my life. It also gave me greater confidence in my ability to trust God. Romania was not a means to an end, but rather the means to what would be the beginning of a change of direction in my Journey of Faith. When we returned to Folsom, I began to make decisions in my life that would take me away from what I could do for my account, they would challenge me to be more dependent on God and to live more dangerously! This thought was a new way of living.

My greatest weakness is to please people. The boldest step I’ve ever taken in my faith is allowing God to remove those areas of my life that keep me focused on what people think of me and not how God sees me. If there is anything that God wants us to live for, it is to please Him and not man. God allowed two things to happen to begin my journey of freedom. As much as he tried to reconnect me to a church to serve, God would close the doors. He also did this with my heart. I found myself thinking, praying, ministering, and reaching out to women and families who weren’t connected to a church or didn’t know who Jesus Christ was and who were on the sidelines, or teetering between the world and the church. . They were everywhere: on my kids’ soccer teams, at their schools, at Starbucks, at the gym…Women like me, raising their kids, struggling in their marriages, dealing with body image issues, caught up in the materialism of their culture, struggling with the same old problems, feeling defeated, without the Woo Hoo of life, etc. The only difference was that I had Jesus Christ at the center of my life, walking through all of this with me, and they had NO ONE! This broke my heart and continues to do so today. The second way God began to set me free was by making my faith public. Yes, I came out of the closet 8 years ago when I said yes to God to start a Bible study in my ward with 18 women. The biggest risk I have taken in my life so far, but it has also brought me the most spiritual growth and freedom. There’s no going back to the status quo once you’ve experienced the blessings of being out of the driver’s seat!

World Vision has a plaque hanging at its headquarters that reads: “Have hearts that break like Jesus.” Ninety percent of most communities across the United States are not connected to a local church. Folsom, like many cities, is poor in spirit. It is a city known for its prison thanks to Johnny Cash who put us on the map. Yes, there are men in prison, but as I drive through my city I see many more men, women and youth in their own prisons. The prophet Isaiah describes the ways the Spirit has changed my heart for those who do not have all that I have been given. The Spirit of the LORD Almighty is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and release from darkness to prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who mourn in Zion, to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a robe of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of justice, planted by Jehovah for the demonstration of his splendor. Isaiah 61:1-3.

As I look back on my life, I am not surprised where God has me today. We live in a messy world. We are all products of sin. And the result of sin has caused much havoc, disappointment, regret, shame and sadness for all of us. But God is in the full-time business of taking our lives, cleansing the masses, and using us for purposes greater than we could ever imagine. Be it divorce, growing up with alcoholism, sexual abuse, addiction, lack of parental love and approval, death of loved ones, chronic pain, cancer, financial struggles, unreconciled relationships, seeking the world’s approval, materialism, etc. , we are all lost and the question remains for all of us, when are we going to stop and ask for directions from the ONE who knows exactly where he wants to take us?