Divorce and your children

The only thing that matters to children is that they feel safe and loved. Both are challenged by going through a divorce. No matter how much care and attention you give your children, a part of them will blame themselves for the divorce. Children often internalize the breakdown of the marriage as if it were their fault. Your goal, in helping your children through this process, is to initiate healing in the pre-divorce process, before you say the words “I want a divorce.” By building a firmer foundation of love and support before the news hits, you protect your children from some of the blows that come with the transition from “Mom and Dad aren’t happy” to “Mom and Dad are breaking up.”

No matter how young or how old they are, your children should know three things:

1) that you love them unconditionally

2) that you will never leave them, even if you separate from your spouse

3) that the world is a good place and all life experiences are opportunities to learn and grow

Once in the divorce process, it can be difficult to do this because your energy is scattered all over the place. Worry, fear, and stress permeate the divorce process, and your children will feel it. It lessens the effect by creating an atmosphere of love and trust while the marriage is shaky but still intact. This will give your children a sense of stability and security.

Most importantly, don’t focus on what you can’t do for your children (ie, “I can’t give them the family I always wanted,” “I can’t be the model parent,” “I can’t keep up with the house and cars and the lifestyle they are used to”). Focus on what you can do.

Here are two things you can do to greatly lessen the short- and long-term effects of divorce on your children:

1) Show your children genuine love through sincere words and consistent, quality time. Bath time, bedtime, and mealtime go a long way. Establish a child-centered routine that provides uninterrupted time with your children. Once divorce proceedings begin, your mind will be elsewhere, and the result of the divorce itself will result in fewer opportunities (due to new custody arrangements) to spend time with your children.

2) Strive to know who your children are. It’s one thing to listen. It’s another thing to listen to. Get to know your children individually. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Turn off the TV, blackberry/iPhone, cell phones, twitter, turn off the computer and spend ten to twenty minutes a day asking your child questions like:

1) What was the best part of your day?

2) How is homework going?

3) Which friends did you talk to today?

4) Who is your favorite teacher and why?

5) What fun thing would you like to do this weekend?

Also, when was the last time you visited your child’s school just because? Do you know all the names of their teachers? Have you met the director? Have you stayed through an entire puppy scout meeting just because? When you go to soccer games, do you look at your son or talk to your friends?

Remember: your children are watching you, even if you are not paying attention to them.

Bottom line: Kids don’t remember the toys they got for Christmas or the square footage of their house. They remember the hugs, the kisses and all the love you showed them over the years. That’s what they cling to.