7 important relationship lessons we can learn from the BP oil spill

Here are some fabulous lessons we can all learn from the BP oil spill…

1. No matter how good things are going, it’s good to have a backup plan.

Prenuptial events are NOT romantic and often lead to feelings of hurt and anger between new partners. However, with 50% of all couples divorcing, isn’t it better to create a plan while you’re still in love?

There are also plans, marriage contracts, that you can write that do not plan for divorce, but plan how you will act as a team, a business team, in your marriage. There is a wonderful book that I recommend, dominate the marriage, which takes you through hundreds of questions, helping you learn about yourself and your partner in very intimate and important ways. For example, how will you handle things if one person wants to buy a new car and the other doesn’t? What about the animals? Have you discussed how you will feel when one of you gains 20 or 30 pounds?

If you need help with a plan, hire a coach, counselor, or mediator to facilitate the process with you.

two. If you think you should take action but wait too long, you lose

Many are furious with Obama for waiting two months before forcing BP to come up with a financial plan to deal with the biggest environmental disaster of our time. Suddenly everyone is blaming the government instead of the corporation. Similarly, in a troubled relationship, one person often wants counseling, the other thinks everything is fine or simply doesn’t want to deal with counseling, and bam, that’s it!

When there is a major problem in a relationship, everyone has a different way of dealing with it. While some may get angry and yell and yell, others shut up, ignore the problem and hope it will go away. There are dozens of ways people deal with difficult problems, however, I think it’s fair to say for everyone, that if a problem is ignored, it grows bigger and bigger. As difficult and complicated as things may seem at first, handling things as they come up is always a better course of action.

3. Failure to take responsibility on your part leads to frustration and unforgiveness.

BP eventually agreed to give $20 billion in a repair fund at the rate of 5 billion per year for 4 years. Yet for 2 full months, there have been few apologies and not enough money coming in to help those affected by their negligence. Even 2 months later, we still don’t know, and won’t know for perhaps decades, the full ramifications of the spill. For now, we know that the spill affects untold numbers of people, fishermen, port workers, hotel workers, restaurants, resorts, platform workers, etc. Hmm… kind of like a divorce. A divorce does not destroy children; it is how the parents handle the divorce that affects the children, perhaps for years to come.

I remember when we had the Exxon Valdez problem over 20 years ago, I was walking around wearing a T-shirt that said “We don’t care, we don’t have to care, at Exxon, we’re part of the problem.” Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the problem? the solution?

As an attorney, I can’t tell you how many lawsuits could be avoided with two simple words: “I’m sorry.” Admitting your faults, apologizing, and taking steps to avoid hurting yourself again is mandatory in relationships. It is clear to see that large companies often believe that they are beyond having to act as if their actions affect other people. Our actions always affect others, especially those we love. By doing your part and taking responsibility, you can avoid creating bigger, seemingly intractable problems.

Four. Bigger is not always better

Do you remember the book by Dr. Suess, The Lorax? There was a wonderful lesson in that about using all your resources and then having nothing left over… “I am the Lorax who speaks for the trees, which you seem to be cutting down as fast as you like…” The last few pages of the book show that all the trees are gone, the air is destroyed, the animals had to flee to find food and new homes, the corporation that cut down all the trees is now closed, and all the people lost their jobs. How many people have gotten into trouble over the years by using and spending all their resources on making their lifestyles bigger and bigger, only to find themselves broke, frustrated and unhappy? How have these behaviors destroyed couples? We can see this not only in corporations and banks, but in many parts of our own lives.

Recently, on Oprah, she sponsored a series called The Debt Diet. There are couples fighting and destroying their lives, keeping up with the Joneses and being addicted to feeling good through STUFF. BP is not alone in this; they are just representative of overfilling and stuffing the bellies of their shareholders, while not building a strong foundation of security and trust.

5. It’s about integrity

There is something great when you can take someone at their word. Remember when the proverbial handshake was enough? Unfortunately, it is no longer enough. It is very important in relationships to do what you say you will do and to do it in a timely manner. It’s about trust. Trust is the foundation of a great relationship. When you can’t deliver, don’t promise or say you will, just be honest in admitting you can’t. When you want to say NO, don’t say YES.

Doesn’t the US seem like a wobbly country these days? Many would rather appease each other than tell the truth. I don’t know anyone who really believes what the politicians say. WE HOPE they lie to us. DO WE EXPECT that in our marriages too?

Here’s the truth, we can’t control what the government or big corporations do. Sure, we have the ability to vote and invest in certain corporations over others, but where we can make a difference, where it really counts, is in our home lives; in ourselves. Are you honest? Do you have integrity? Is your handshake enough? Can you wake up every day and look in the mirror and be proud of who is looking at you?

6. Use a mediator…ask for help when you hit a dead end

I was glad to see Obama using his best skills, as a mediator, to help resolve, to some degree anyway, this crisis. BP needed to take some action, the government and the localities needed to take some action and they also needed assistance. Frankly, everyone in relationships needs help at one time or another. Many people have friends and family that they turn to for advice, or even just to blow off some steam. For those who don’t have such help readily available, going to a great relationship counselor or coach goes a long way!

John F. Kennedy said: “Never negotiate out of fear. But never fear to negotiate.” As I mentioned earlier, small wounds become big, hard-to-forgive wounds when left untreated. If you need help, swallow your pride and ask. It only hurts for a second.

7. What comes out of a crisis is opportunity

There is no crisis without opportunity. Obama is using this environmental disaster to call for a new energy bill that will ease America’s addiction to oil. That’s called using a crisis to create an opportunity. The Chinese symbol for crisis combines the symbols of danger and opportunity. I guess you can always use a crisis as a crossroads and an opportunity to make a decision, in other words, make lemonade out of lemons.

Similarly, in relationships, issues like adultery, bankruptcy, and divorce can lead to personal growth and decisions about whether or not this is the relationship you want to be in. Are there changes that need to be made? What is your part in the problem/difficulty? These are the times when many find new spiritual paths, friends, and reconnect and learn the importance of family and most importantly self-love and forgiveness.

In conclusion, we are living in scary times, without a doubt. The changes we are all being asked to make are no different than those imposed on governments or large corporations. While much of decision making has to do with money issues, much of it also has to do with relationship issues, especially the relationship we have with ourselves. Are our actions consistent and aligned with our values? Do we also have public images that we like to portray? Remembering that we are all truly interconnected, I hope that we all use these times of change and crisis as an opportunity to see our options and take the right path, with ourselves, our relationship with spirit and our relationship with family, friends, business partners, clients, neighbors and the community in general. When we look at the world through the lens of love, wisdom, and forgiveness, there is plenty of room for opposing viewpoints and our own personal growth in times of crisis.