I constantly compare myself to other women after my husband’s affair – ideas that might help

I often hear of wives who have serious self-esteem issues after their husband has an affair. Many no longer feel attractive, sexy, or confident. Many admit that they constantly compare themselves to other women. Sometimes this means comparing yourself to “the other woman” (meaning you are comparing yourself to the woman your husband cheated on or had an affair with). And some admit that any other woman is fair game. We can find ourselves looking at our friends and acquaintances and wondering if their husbands are faithful to them. And then we analyze our assumptions.

Recently, a wife put this beautifully into words. She said, in part, “I find myself checking, scrutinizing, and comparing myself to many other women. I will review the women from the PTA. I will stare at the mom in front of me at the checkout line at the grocery store. I will spy on families who eat in restaurants. And every time I do this, I wonder if the woman in question has a husband who has been faithful to her. I will find something about her appearance that I like or consider superior to that same attribute in terms of my own appearance is concerned. My PTA friend has prettier eyes than I. The gym woman has a much better figure. My son’s teacher is much more confident than I. My next door neighbor is much more outgoing And the woman my husband cheated on is probably more exciting in the bedroom. I find myself doing this all the time. And I never did this before my husband cheated on me. It’s like I’m looking for my own flaws and looking for strengths. or aspe positive cts in other people that I can no longer see in myself. it’s wrong with me and how can I stop doing this? “

I will try to address these concerns in the next article.

It’s more common to compare yourself to the woman your husband cheated on you with, but know that these comparisons are often not accurate: Probably the most common comparison in this situation is comparing yourself to “the other woman.” Many women will discover everything possible about her. This can quickly turn into an unhealthy obsession. It is as if we feel that this woman has all the answers for us. If we can find out what our husband sees in her or what she offers him, then we can find out what it is that we do not have and respond accordingly.

But here are some problems with this logic. Very often, as difficult as it may be for us to believe at the time, it is not this woman’s appearance, personality, or sexual ability that is causing our husband to cheat on her. I know some will disagree and will discuss this with me. But I have men who comment or contact me on my blog and it is quite clear that many of them cheat in times of crisis, self-doubt or low self-esteem. So an affair or a cheat often has more to do with the attributes of the man who cheated than with the woman he cheated with.

There is a common perception that the other woman has some magical attributes or that the husband has finally found the perfect woman for him or his “soul mate.” I don’t buy this for a second. And many men who have the time and distance to think about this agree with me. Often times, once the adventure is over for some time, you’ll hear comments like “When I look at her now, I don’t know what the hell I saw in her.” Or “I feel so stupid when I think about it now.”

So when a wife looks to this other woman for answers, what she often doesn’t realize is that if there really are any “answers,” she will often find them with her husband rather than the other woman. . It is often something missing or missing within him rather than something the other woman had or possessed. Sure, the other woman could be younger. It might even be pretty. But this is not often the underlying reason for the deception. And she has nothing to do with you. Your appearance, personality, or accomplishments should eventually be completely separate from the way you see yourself. Sometimes recovering from an affair means removing it completely from your mind and life so that you can focus on your own recovery and yourself. She really is a third party and should continue to be.

Comparing herself to other women who have nothing to do with her husband’s affair: I often hear of women who go out of their way to avoid thinking about the other woman, but then find themselves comparing themselves to friends, acquaintances, or even family members. This can be very frustrating when, intellectually, you know that this doesn’t make any sense at all. Women in recovery sometimes tell me that they are envious or jealous of women who seem to have faithful and loving husbands.

I hear women say that they suddenly envy the mousy neighbor whose husband is rushing home from work. Or they will focus on the couple in church who seem to be dedicated only to each other. You are wondering what these marriages have that yours did not have or what these wives possess that ensures that their husbands are faithful to them. I understand this. I did this myself. But this is the question. As we all know, appearances can be deceiving. None of us really know what really happens behind closed doors. The couple who seem so in love today could well be dealing with infidelity tomorrow.

The truth is that we are not going to know why our husband cheated on other couples, other people or even other women. We will only get at least some of those answers from our husband and ourselves. Also, other people’s attributes do not diminish ours. I know it is difficult right now, but remember that you are as special and valuable as anyone else.

Remember that someone else’s actions do not affect your worth or worth as a woman. You are incomparable: It is very common for women to take a major blow to their own self-esteem after being cheated on by their husband. This is in no way your fault. But you have to fight this process. Because even if you don’t feel like it, you are still the same woman who turned your husband’s head or who felt good when he looked in the mirror in the not-too-distant past. She did not change because of her husband’s affair, at least physically. Yes, this may temporarily change how you feel about him, your marriage, or yourself. But remember that you did nothing wrong. Another person’s actions shouldn’t change the way you feel about yourself.

The fact that you are a special and incomparable individual does not depend on the attributes that other women have or that they lack. And right now, your healing will likely come when you focus on yourself rather than others. I know this is difficult, but if you make a concentrated effort to observe your focus, it is eventually possible to stop this process.