How do I keep going when my heart is still stuck?

I chose the title ‘How do I keep going?‘because I can’t tell you the countless times I’ve personally searched for that title, hoping beyond hope to find the answer.

• That’EXPECTED‘Of us and how that’Fits‘In our lives

Do you know when your emotions and feelings are adamant about staying on the same path, never on a different path? It can be an irritatingly frustrating thing to have to live with.

Expectations:

– School.

– United.

– Job.

– Wedding.

– Home.

– Kids.

– Midlife crisis; which can be in the form of cheating, doing outrageous things that are not in line with the normal character of the person, ditching the old routine / life for a new one, or a host of other things a person could do.

– Retirement.

– Casket purchases.

– Or something like that …

Reality: (mine)

– School.

– Relocation.

– School again.

– Lost.

– Hospital.

– Job.

– Slight rebellious phase.

– Love.

– Heartbreak.

– Humiliation.

– Limbo.

– Soul search>?

* sigh * I used to think that life would get easier. When I was little I used to close my eyes so tightly wishing I was older and able to do all things. fun things‘just that’big people‘seemed to be allowed to do. I did not know.

I experienced living without my parents from a young age, at which point I also moved countries, experienced being slightly mentally and physically abused by a guardian (although thankfully not in a sexual way), failing in school (and all the ‘me’ issues that came with it), managing the loss, temporarily having physical problems, and having to grow up a little faster than I expected. (although how many of us have had that, huh ?!)

• The epiphany

Now, despite everything I’ve been through, nothing could have prepared me to fall in love and the intensities that it entails. Maggie, a fellow blogger, posted an article about the different stages of heartbreak. By the end of reading and listening to everything, he was sticking his eyes out like crazy. I couldn’t stop crying. It touched me to the core.

The song: Youth by Daughter, describes exactly how I feel. And you know what? I HAD NO CLUE THAT THIS IS HOW I FEEL! It wasn’t until I heard it and hailstones were raining down my face as I cried that I realized something that I had hidden so deep inside of me that I actually forgot it was there.

I started writing to help me get things off my chest and not keep everything as repressed inside as I always have and really try to change for the better. So yes, I write and advise both my readers and myself.

Do you know what I realized?

That’s what I’ve been saying to myself: Yes, I’m ‘fine’. It may not be perfect, but I’m doing fine, really. I wake up in the morning, I’m eating, laughing, working and setting new goals etc … so that must mean I’m fine, right?

Guess what? It’s all nonsense!

Because ?!

Because I am sharing the surface of what I feel, but not only completely suppress, but completely ignore how i really feel deep inside my heart.

I closed the bottom of my heart and swallowed the key (now that I think about it, I actually remember that a while ago I mentally thought that I am going to close and lock that part of my heart and never face or unlock it). again. Even I had forgotten about that).

I know many of the positive application steps, books and rules for a better life and I really try to enforce it myself. You know what? I just realized why I find them boring and why they all sound the same to me … it’s because they lack the most essential ingredient for anything that can be considered a success. They lack: Heart.

And I remember once again why I started my blog in the first place. In the hope that I can add a little of that important ingredient to my daily life and share it with my readers as well. Heart. So many things in life today are devoid of the most important thing without which it is difficult for us to live as human beings.

I know consciously that I won’t get very far in life until really open my heart. I constantly talk about a true openness, but I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t been doing it myself, until I heard ‘Youth’ and the reality of how I feel deep down, collapsed around me!

• Why, despite everything, I ‘couldn’t’ and ‘didn’t want to’ share my everything

Would you like to know why Have I been unconsciously denying my emotions and how I feel? Because somewhere inside of me he’s terrified that I’m ‘court‘. Yes ‘Feelings‘They are involuntary, so why are we so afraid?’Feel‘them? Shouldn’t they be a part of us since they are out of our control? I doubt I’m the only one on earth who feels this way.

Then yes. In a judgmental society, I am afraid to show my inner (acceptable) thoughts and feelings.

I’ll give you an example: the other day I was sitting in the living room of a best friend’s house, relaxing. We get up, go to the kitchen to make popcorn, then we watch a movie and she leaves; Jay, why don’t you ‘put yourself out there’ and you already have a man (something along those lines).

Now she would always repeat this from time to time and I would smile and shrug, not really wanting to talk about it. Now every time she said this, on the surface she tried to act like I didn’t care, while inside she screamed: I WANT, even though I don’t know how! A part of me is still very hung up on the man I love who left! Although that’s the case, I still want to learn to love again nor do I want to die alone! I want it so much that not a day goes by without wanting it!

Would you ever say that to him? No.

While we are in the kitchen:

– Her: You still like that boy you loved.

– Me: (automatic reaction) NO! Not really …

– She: * smiles * We have been friends for almost five years and you have loved him since I met you.

– Me: (At this point I interpret it; as she says, seriously! Move now, in other words) * smile * silence (in my mind I am wishing she knew what was going through my head right now)

So that’s the end of it (we’re close enough that she knows she shouldn’t push me about things I don’t want to talk about and I’m doubly grateful for). That’s what I mean by ‘judgments‘and’Expectations‘whether intentional or unintentional.

I mean, isn’t that what is expected? Have you moved on already? Isn’t that part of the norm? Do (insert: * list of things) to move on and get over someone? And if you don’t, then there is something ‘incorrect‘with you? and if I do them and I still don’t move on, that’s worse and now I have ‘she-has-an-unhealthy-attachment-syndrome-to-people‘?

Well, what happens when it doesn’t? Isn’t it understandable that the person ends up “shutting down” in one way or another? I don’t know about you, that’s what happened to me.

To be honest here, nobody Really wants to hear someone talk and talk about the same thing. After all, who would want to continually be around that kind of negative energy? Not many, which is completely reasonable.

• The ugly truth about how sometimes’See myself‘

You see i feel abnormal about how i feel. That my feelings have not changed much about the person should not‘I still have feelings for. (Yes, I know we have a right to feel what we do and I love and adore every piece of advice I get on that. After all, where would we be without reminders?)

It still doesn’t change how I feel. Now just because I feel that way doesn’t mean I AM what I feel. I just feel it. I am ‘in the know‘about how extraordinary we are as people.

Losing my ‘Love‘and tell me that’it was not good for me‘(which is the letter of’ it’s not you, it’s me, which actually translates: it’s not me, it’s you!) makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. Every time I hear his name my heart feels like it is continually dying again and sometimes I have ragged but constant boots of fear and sadness but I force myself to push it and resist it until it passes. A mistake that I knew was a “mistake” at the time. I know it doesn’t have to be why he left. The thing is, I really thought it was ‘okay’ until I realized that the truth is …

I feel:

– Stupid.

– No / Never good enough.

– Disgusting.

– Stupid.

– Less atractive.

– Be unable.

– Untrustworthy.

– Not wanted.

– Rejected.

– Non-existent.

– An important one.

– Unnecessary.

– And as if my ‘Love’ wasn’t good enough or worth it.

I was able to be replaced without even looking back and I don’t know if he ever loved me. Or if he will even remember my existence. Sometimes it surprises me that he even remembers my name. After all, it was easy to write me off. I know I shouldn’t care, but a part of me does.

• Acknowledging is better than repressing how exhausted I feel

Feelings can’t be controlled so I can’t blame him or myself for anything. It did not Do anything for me. Doing something to someone is literally physically hitting someone, physically forcing them to do something or anything along those lines. Otherwise, despite what we may feel, we are solely responsible for what goes on inside our bodies, minds, hearts, and everything. Sometimes it’s justeasier‘have someone to’to blame‘.

So how can I blame him for something? He wanted to be with his ‘only one’ who was never me … and that’s something I live with and hope to get over it one day.

I’m even a little grateful that he left me. It would have been worse if I had continued to love him and remain loyal to him when he didn’t feel the same way about me. This is better right?

I can’t shake the shame I feel about all of this. It devours me. I am struggling silently, internally, with this every day. Unfortunately, denying it doesn’t eradicate its existence, so there you have it.

I think that’s why I don’t like to see lists in ‘how to move on‘and’heal‘etc … every time I read them It’s like I’ve read them all. Also because they are not for ‘all the world‘. I preferoptions and ideas‘instead of a’set list‘for anything given. Each of us is individually different, which is why I love knowing that there is a separate technique for everyone.

Thank you for reading.

Oh yeah, and about that title: I’m still looking …